Death to Emil's hair!
by accident prone
Summary: /DotNW/ I care about him, but there's that one thing always standing in our way, making me want to strangle him...that one lock of hair that sticks straight up...I have to destroy it! Oneshot, no pairings.


**A/N: Yeah, I was just remembering when I played DotNW….and I remembered how much I had wanted to destroy that little boingy-uppy bit of Emil's hair throughout the whole game. Kind of like I wanted to buy a muzzle for Marta. Anyways, this is the product of that frustration and my boredom.**

"Oh Emi-il," Marta called in a singsong voice, hiding the scissors behind her back. "Will you come here a moment, please?"

"Huh? Oh…okay." He walked up to her, and as she saw that one lock of hair, standing at an almost 90-degree angle, her eye twitched.

"Marta?" He asked, seeing her bare her teeth. "Is something…wrong?"

"I will kill it," she said, staring at the hair. "I will cut it off. I will…I will…"

"Marta? Are you alright?"

"No I am not alright!" she yelled. "Death to that hair! Death!"

Emil let out a scream as she came at him with the scissors. "M…Marta! What are you doing?"

"I'll kill it!" she screamed, running at him once again. Knowing what was good for him, Emil ran.

"The secret of spying on girls in the hotsprings is to blame it on someone else," Zelos was explaining to Lloyd, who was rolling his eyes.

"Zelos, I kinda noticed that that was your strategy."

"What! Really?"

"Help!" Emil screamed, running towards them. They dodged out of the way and resumed talking.

"Wouldn't it be easier to just…not spy?"

"Lloyd, please. There's no way I could—"

"DEATH!" Marta bellowed, running towards them with the scissors.

"Whoa!" Lloyd jumped back. "What the hell?"

"Did Emil come by here?"

"He's hiding behind that tree," Zelos said.

"Traitor!" Emil cried, running off again.

"What's going o—"

"DEATH!" she yelled again, running off.

They were silent a moment, then resumed their conversation.

Meanwhile, Marta had lost track of Emil. She looked around, eyes narrowed.

"I know you're out there, Emil," she hissed. "And you can't hide forever. I'll be waiting. And when you come out…" She cackled evilly. "There's no point in putting it off. Come out. I promise I won't hurt you. Much."

"Who are you talking to?" Sheena asked, walking up, Regal by her side.

"I'm going to kill that lock of Emil's hair that I hate so much."

"The one that sticks straight up no matter what the situation?"

Marta only nodded, eyes glued to the trees. He had to be around here somewhere. She could feel it.

"We'll help," Regal said decisively.

"Really?"

"Of course. I was annoyed enough by Lloyd and Kratos's hair, but his hair just goes beyond that. It's not even consistently spiky. It's just that one lock of hair."

She nodded. "I know. It makes me want to kill him sometimes, ha-ha!"

_Ha ha_, Emil thought, holding onto a tree branch in horror. When he'd first met her, he had had no idea that she was so psychotic.

"Tenebrae," she called. Tenebrae appeared in a poof of smoke.

"Yes, Lady Marta?"

"Can you find Emil and bring him here?"

"Certainly." The Centurion floated off in search of the blond haired boy.

"Ratatosk," Emil whispered. "Ratatosk? Um, help?"

"Pff, yeah right," the summon spirit said, voice echoing in Emil's head. "I hate your hair, too. In fact, I'm rather tempted to help them, but I'm afraid you'd fight back and we'd crash to the ground. Can't have that happening."

"Find him!" Marta roared.

"Looks like she's sent out the whole team to find you," Ratatosk said, sounding amused.

"All this over one lock of hair? I thought she'd be used to it by now…"

"Just because she's used to it doesn't mean she has to like it."

"Emi-i-i-il," Colette called, flying around. Emil shrank back and very nearly fell off the branch.

Ratatosk growled. "This is ridiculous, Emil. Just give yourself up."

"Never."

"They'll never let you rest until it's gone."

"No!"

"And you might fall off the tree if you keep trying to hide from them."

Emil said nothing, just clutched the branch tighter.

"Stop being so damn stubborn!"

"It's my hair," Emil grumbled. "I like it."

"It looks dumb! Everyone else hates it! If you don't go down there right now, I swear I will!"

"You just said you wouldn't."

"I changed my mind!"

"But Rata—" Emil was cut off as Ratatosk took control of the body.

"I hate your hair," Ratatosk growled. "I hate the feel of that one part of it as it swings back and forth in battle. Your hair would be fine if it weren't for that one lock. We're getting rid of it."

He climbed down the tree, ignoring Emil's obvious attempts to regain control. "Take the hair!" he yelled. "Now!"

"No!" Emil finally succeeded, running away. Colette tripped and crashed into him, stunning him for a few seconds.

"Oh no!" She cried. "Emil, I'm so sorry! I—"

"Good job, Colette!" Sheena said. "Lloyd, Zelos! Grab his arms before he gets up!"

"Aaaagh!" Emil cried as the two kept him from running away. "Can't we talk this through?"

"What's there to talk through?" Marta demanded maliciously. "The simple fact of it is, your hair needs to die."

"Nooooo!"

"Stop thrashing, Emil," Genis said.

"If you continue to struggle, your haircut may be even worse," Presea explained calmly. "It would be best if you simply…"

_Snip, snip, snip._

The blond locks fell to the ground in silence. Emil stared at them with a look of anguish on his face.

"It's over," Raine said, and everyone cheered. Emil fell to his knees, crying over the loss of his hair. Even though it did make him look a tad more normal.

"I assume all is well, then?" Tenebrae asked.

"No, everything is _not _well!" Emil sobbed.

"Yeah, it's good," Sheena said. "Thanks, Colette. And…thanks, Ratatosk."

Hidden inside Emil, Ratatosk could only smile.

"You're welcome," he murmured, though none could hear it.

**Emil: M…my hair…**

**Me: Muahahaha. You deserved that. Review please!**


End file.
